Prose For Hos

I’m currently the single friend. So when I get around my friends who are in successful relationships, naturally we talk about…relationships. Or in my case, just general dating, because I’m still working on getting to that basic, social stage.

It always entertains me to find out what people think I’m attracted to. Mainly it’s white girls…because to one who somewhat follows social norms, I may be seen as a bit ‘eclectic.’ Because I’m black, gay, have locs, wear gingham, and don’t wear J’s all the time. But to the overall lesbian community, like the ‘womyn’ community similar to the one found featured on The Real L Word or a Logo Documentary, I may be seen as pretty straight laced.

So of course I was asked what type of women I was into exactly.

“Women of color. Not too granola…they have to shave. And not wear Tevas…or Merrills… Like, they should like half way normal things, and be able to take a joke… And should like hip hop…because that’s pretty much all I have on my iPod… And not listen to Lilith Fair music all the time. I mean, i like chicks who do poetry… And if they are white, they have to have a little edge to them…yes, they’ll basically need to be a black girl *lol*… And of course they should have goals and dreams… And they can’t be stupid…they have to have some sort of goals, like career goals or something…”

After this convoluted description of my potential dream woman, I was presented with the following relationship inquiry:

“So, what is your day to day life going to look like?”

For some reason that question has stuck with me. Because it’s so unpredictable, it’s almost rhetorical. Ideal relationship. Ideal partner. Ideal house. Ideal vacations, traveling around the world. Ideal kids. Ideal retirement. Ideal happily ever after. A dream one creates in hopes that it becomes a reality. And yeah, those ideas can be emulated in a relationship…the only stipulation is that you and the other person’s ideas are, and remain on the same page.

I’m not saying that one shouldn’t have standards. There’s a difference between standards and one’s expectations of their ideal partner. Never should one throw their standards out the window; unless your standards are so high, they’re unattainable. In which instance you just need to come back to reality, and reevaluate why you’re making yourself unattainable.

The reality is, you can’t really predict the day to day life of what your relationship will be. One can only hope that whatever it is, it’s filled with laughs, intimacy…and sex…lots of sex. Hell, one can only hope that you get through that first 6 to 12 month relationship probationary period to let the ‘representative’ dissolve in order to figure out who you’ll be living day to day with.

The basis of any relationship is going to be rooted in romantic chemistry, and love. Like a real appreciation, passion, and desire for one another. The desire that’s going to cause the two of you to want to partner and plan your lives together. That’s going to cause you to want to take trips together, to just lay up at night, watch movies and listen to music. That’s going to cause you to fight, get so pissed at each other that you could walk away…until you realize there’s no one you’d rather spend your life with.

“What will your day to day life look like?”

Sure, one could ponder this, try to predict, create an idea of what the day to day life of their ideal relationship will look like. Potentially create more expectations that could possibly lead to disappointment. Or one can just let go of expectations, appreciate their partner for who they truly are, push them, inspire them, and expect some sort of reflection of that from their partner. Because a true partner is going to be a reflection of you.

What will my day to day relationship life look like? I have no fucking clue. I can only hope it’s filled with love, honesty, and loyalty…good food, music, and great, passionate sex.

But, hell, what do I know? I’m the single friend. The cynical, still slightly heart wounded single friend. My vision of this whole ‘love’ thing is still slightly blurry. I have a lot to learn about what makes a successful relationship.

Hell, I’m still just tryin to figure out how to date.

To me relationships are sacred.

Certain things should be sacred between us…some things should be things only we ‘relate’ to. But in this society where everyone wants to broadcast and live their ‘love’ in the public eye, it makes me wonder, what is there left to be sacred? What do you, just you two share? “Undying love” for one another before you’ve ever breathed life in your relationship…before you’ve allowed your souls to truly connect. Put the cart before the horse, and the horse isn’t gonna have anything to carry once it gets moving. But maybe that’s the goal: leave it all behind and just go with what comes your way.

The impulse to constantly post how happy you are, how happy y’all are…how you’ve never known true happiness until this person came into you life…three months ago… Who are you trying to convince? Relationships built like development houses…thrown up, weak foundations…only in time are you truly tested when that foundation starts to crumble. “I never knew what life was” until I met you a few months ago, followed by totally ignoring that person’s existence a few months later. Total stranger to you now, because you never really knew them from the start.

All played out on Twitter, Facebook, IG, etc.

But what do I know? I guess this is what some might consider me being “bitter” or “resentful” at my own situation, lingering broken heart. But I have no qualms about my residual feelings…they are merely a part of my life’s lessons. This is merely an observation of what’s made available to me through social media.

But I’m rooting for y’all though. The overly zealous, the hopeless romantics, careless love broadcast across my timeline everyday, I wish you the best. Because despite whatever lingering personal anger I have, the annoyance I feel when I see “happy anniversary” posts once a month…I believe in happy endings. For everyone…(yes, even You…).

So I’ll stay tuned, rooting you all on, hoping for a happy ever after.

Sometimes I miss the lie.
“I loves you“‘s every nite
Followed by
“Good morning” texts.
Your warmth,
Holding you at night,
Your touch,
You caressing me on lazy Sunday afternoons.
Your laugh,
At random observations,
Little animals,
My goofiness.
Your smile,
When I hold you,
Rub your head,
Kiss your cheek.

Your promise that you’d never deceive me.

Emotional security.
I knew you’d never let me go.
But I’ve never really known a lot.
Naïveté.
Only see the world through rose colored glasses.
No room for those things that may cloud my reality.
Even if it’s the truth.

Truth is
Relationships don’t evolve around my world alone.
Two worlds converged,
Different orbits.
I believed myself a planet.
In reality I was just a moon.

Perception is reality.
Grandiose lies.
Manufactured happiness.
Until time expires…

The pain has settled in.
Brooding anger, frustration,
Masking confusion,
That’s masked by a smile.

I hate you.
Not really. I just hate you’re not with me.
Mere mentions of you cause physical reactions.
Light flushing of the face.
Certain songs play, causing a light sweat, interrupted breathing.
Even in thought, you still to take my breath away.

I’m still angry.
But anger is not strong enough to cause what I felt for you to fade.
I love hard.
I love deep.
That type of love just doesn’t wash away, whatever the digression.

So despite it all,
Despite the anger, frustration,
Masking confusion,
Masked by a smile…

My wish for your happiness is as sincere as when I told you I loved you.

I know I deserved better.
I deserve better.
Now that I know what I know,
I know that for sure.

Perhaps I could’ve treated you better.
Emotionally.
Been more stable.
Confidently.
Taken more ownership.
Been overall more attentive.
To the little things.
The importance of those morning tweets and texts.
Words.
Instant boost of confidence when the right things are said by the right person.

Perhaps she had the right words.
Perhaps she was just the right person.

But you can’t make a person love you.
I could never make you love me.
I could never make you happy.
That burden lies solely on you.
No puns intended there.
It was clear at the time you were a little confused.
I hope you’ve figured it out.

I wished you nothing but happiness.
And I meant it.
Despite the tears I cried.
For days. Weeks.
The tears I hold back months later.
The void in my heart that remains.
I mean it. Still.
Because I truly love you.
Even though you are in my past,
Despite everything,
That feeling will always be present in me.